Yoga's Lessons for Life: Mastering Reactions in a World You Can't Control.
I often feel quite grateful for the way my yoga journey has unfolded. What I mean is that the moment I felt ready to explore Yoga philosophy in greater depth was also the moment that I began therapy. I have always been deeply interested in the human psyche and I found that the two marry together so beautifully. I have been able to draw parallels between the two approaches and use them together to really shape the way I receive life; most notably for me is how I receive the behaviours, perspectives and offerings of others.
You see before this life I would so often pass blame or judgement onto others for ‘how they made me feel’. Now I realise that how I feel & react to others has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me.
I know I’m not alone in this reactivity because I see it playing out daily in front me; attempting to control the way others behave so it is more palatable to us and our feelings i.e trying to control others so we don’t have to process our own baggage.
The problem is that this desire for control leads to frustration, disappointment and so much unnecessary stress because (and you probably already know this) we cannot. We simply cannot control how other people act or what they say to us. The control we do have is in how we react. It’s also where our power lies; in being able to understand how the world affects us and choosing how we interact back.
In this piece, I want to explore a concept which has been fundamental to my growth, “You cannot control what other people do; you can only control how you react."
We'll explore how this idea aligns with key principles of yoga philosophy, unveiling a synergy that can empower us to live more mindfully, authentically, and harmoniously with ourselves and the world around us.
Yoga philosophy teaches us three essential principles that will serve as our guiding lights throughout this discussion: non-attachment (vairagya) and self-awareness/self-understanding (svadhyaya) and conscious action (karma). Together, these principles provide a unique lens through which we can understand and embrace the idea that while we cannot control external events we do possess the power to shape our inner world and our reactions to those events.
Vairagya - Detachment
Vairagya is a Sanskrit word that translates as “detachment” / “dispassion”. At it’s core, it encourages us to cultivate a mindset that is free from clinging to external outcomes, and balanced in its emotional & mental reactions; “dispassion is the conscious mastery of the control of desire for objects, seen, perceived or heard” (Y.S 1.15)
I introduce this concept first because I think it is absolutely key a conversation about reacting to a world we cannot control. Vairagya suggests that the pursuit of control over the external is not only a futile expedition but attempting to do so will only serve to create our own suffering. It doesn’t mean that we are indifferent or apathetic to other’s behaviour. Rather it signifies a state of emotional freedom where we engage wholeheartedly with the world around us without being consumed by our desires for a particular outcome. The outcomes we might be attached to? Acceptance. Non-Judgement. Sympathy. Understanding. Support.
All really nice things, absolutely! But not necessarily things that anyone owes us and thus not things that we can expect from others. When we release our hold on expectations, we free ourselves from the rollercoaster of emotions that often accompany unmet hopes. This emotional liberation enables us to engage with the world more authentically, appreciating people for who they are rather than who we wish them to be.
When we let go of these expectation we can reclaim the energy and mental space that we might have once invested in trying to elicit certain behaviours from the people around us; we can start to cultivate an energy of peace as we begin to tend more to our inner world.
Svadhyaya (Self Study)
Svadhyaya, one of the Niyamas (observances of the self), means ‘self-study’, ‘self-reflection’, ‘understanding of the self’. It encourages us to turn our attention inward, to take the introspective exploration of our own thoughts, behaviours & beliefs. One of the primary aims of Svadhyaya is to unearth the underlying causes of our reactions. So, when someone’s behaviour or words trigger an emotional response in us, it’s important to ask;
why am I having this response?
what wound, fear or shame has their behaviour illuminated within me?
what beliefs or insecurities are contributing to my emotional response?
what did I actually want (or need) from this person and how can I provide it for myself?
It’s not always easy to ask these questions of ourselves, and the answers aren’t always obvious at first, or comfortable to receive. I encourage that the foundation of any self-enquiry is that of compassion and kindness.
Karma Yoga (Selfless, Conscious Action)
Karma has been somewhat misunderstood over the years; aligned with ‘what goes around comes around’ type vibes. In Yogic Philosophy however Karma means selfless, conscious action. It emphasises action without selfish motivation or attachment to the fruits of those actions.
In the context of this conversation it means that we learn to approach interactions and relationships with the intention of genuine care and understanding; to apply mindfulness not only to our actions but also to our reactions. When someone behaves in a certain way, rather than reacting impulsively or emotionally, can we pause and consider our response?
What is our reaction driven by?
Can we separate ourselves from it and respond from a place of inner clarity and compassion?
Certainly this is easier said than done, but it gets easier with practise. And please be mindful that this doesn’t mean dismissing our emotions, but rather that it is the knowing that our emotions are our own to process and navigate and acting from that place of understanding.
And there you have it; a short but hopefully helpful approach to releasing reactivity and the mind’s desire to control. What I hope I have communicated in this article is that while we may lack control over external events, we have immense power over our inner states. Through practise like detachment, self enquiry & mindful action we can cultivate emotional resilience, a deeper self-awareness and a space of profound inner strength.
As I journey through life, trying to put all of the above in to practise as often as I can, I find it serves to remind myself that the rewiring process (which is essentially that this is) is a non-linear practise; I often get it wrong and sometimes, in the heat of reactivity, I forget it altogether. As with all things, however, intention is everything; if your intention is to live authentically, react more consciously and contribute positively to the tapestry of human experience you’ll stick on the right track.
With love, always
Katie xx